Camera Absurda
by LauraCynthia
Summary: While investigating a potential violation of the Prime Directive, Kirk and Spock encounter an "ancient" Human custom. One-shot.


" _Captain's log, USS_ Enterprise _: Starfleet has reason to believe that previous visitors have contaminated the culture of Phi Despa III. The_ Enterprise _has been sent to investigate."_

With the whir of a transporter, Kirk and Spock materialized on the planet's surface. Immediately, the Vulcan began to study his tricorder. "Scans should detect anything that does not originate from this planet, sir." He began to pace toward a line of trees, holding the device out in front of him.

"How detailed was the report Command sent us?" Kirk wondered aloud, pursing his lips.

Spock glanced over his shoulder. "There were no specifics as to the problem, Captain. The _Stellar Jewel_ landed here only briefly to make repairs. During that time, the passengers were allowed to get some fresh air. Once repairs were completed, all passengers boarded the craft and left the planet without incident. The total elapsed time was about two hours."

"Then why does Starfleet believe contamination occurred?"

"As this planet contains a pre-warp society, it is reasonable to assume that were any of them to encounter personnel from the _Jewel_ , they being untrained civilians, that would be the outcome." Spock raised an eyebrow. "It has happened on many occasions before, sir."

"Indeed." Kirk chuckled. "I wonder what it will be this time. A book? Advanced weaponry? Perhaps-" He was startled by a rustling sound in the trees. "What's that?"

"I am detecting several humanoid life forms nearby. Members of the planet's-" Spock was interrupted by the appearance of seven individuals wearing animal skins and carrying long spears. They surrounded Kirk and Spock, weapons pointed at the two men. "I believe it would be wise if we left before we caused further interference."

Kirk flipped open his communicator. "Kirk to _Enterprise_ \- two to beam-" He stopped mid-sentence at Spock's frown. "Stand by, transporter room. Spock, what is it?" Kirk followed the Vulcan's gaze, turning around in a circle. The natives' earlier hostile stance was gone; instead, they had crowded around behind him and Spock and now stood at attention, grinning widely, eyes fixed on his hand. Kirk moved the communicator from side to side, watching as the natives swayed from one side to the other, trying to stay within range of the device. "What are they-"

The communicator chirped, and the natives crowded in closer. One threw his arm over Kirk's shoulder, while another stood on his tip-toes, peering over the captain's head. Two sat down cross-legged at Spock's feet, leaning against his side; three others waved their hands in the air and made guttural noises. All continued to look towards the communicator. Kirk shared a confused look with Spock, who looked as though he would have shrugged if Vulcans did such things.

Once again, the communicator chirped, and Kirk answered it. _"Sir? Is everything all right down there?"_ Scott asked.

Kirk disentangled himself and stepped forward. "Yes, Scotty. We're just fine."

"Chiiz," one of the natives warbled. The others echoed his statement, pressing closer to Kirk, staring at the communicator as if - _as if…_

" _Good to hear that, captain. Have ye determined the level of contamination yet?"_

Kirk smiled. "Well, not exactly. But I don't think it's anything to worry about." He glanced up at Spock. "Gentlemen, are you familiar with the term "selfie"?"

Spock frowned. "Selfie, sir?"

"An ancient expression of narcissism. Self-portraiture, Mr. Spock. It seems the _Stellar Jewel_ 's passengers were just behaving like tourists."

Scott chuckled. " _Smiling for the camera, are they?_ "

"Mm-hmm. Smiling for the comm, actually." Kirk cocked his head to one side. "Seems like a shame to disappoint them." He edged away from the natives and threw one arm over Spock's shoulder, a twinkle in his eye. Indicating Spock's tricorder, which possessed a recording feature, he nudged the Vulcan in the ribs. "You don't suppose we could-"

Spock's brows jumped. "Could what, sir? Interfere further?" He ducked out from under Kirk's brotherly embrace and walked away, clearly eager to leave.

Kirk's mouth drooped, the sparkle gone. He let out a long sigh. "No. No, I suppose not." Slightly dejected, he stuffed one hand into his pants pocket and followed Spock, leaving the natives, one of whom was now pointing a rock at the others, who were squeezing as close together as they could, in an attempt to "stay in the shot". "Two to beam up, Mister Scott." He kicked a small stone, lips drawn in a slight pout.

"Send down a team from social sciences," Spock added. He turned to the captain, his expression serious as usual. "I trust _they_ will be able to handle this situation with the appropriate maturity."

As the transporter beam surrounded them, Kirk shrugged, his face the picture of innocence.


End file.
